I Just Have To Get It Off My Chest

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2012, family, grayson, Special needs

This is Grayson less than 7 months ago, my little boy no matter what was thrown his way always had a beautiful smile, would always make eye contact, he was never a big one for physical contact but you always got stunning pictures like these.

Then everything changed, I didn’t notice straight away, Addison had not long been born so I was tired but that is no excuse, I should have noticed Grayson was changing, I should have noticed he was un-happy, I failed him as his Mummy, over the past 5 months Grayson has become more and more distant, he refuses to make eye contact, he wont play with toys, he seems down all the time, the only change I can see in his life are his seizures. The hospital believes these seizures aren’t affecting his brain, they are a cause of brain damage already present but I am scared, I can’t see any other cause for his changes. I know at 3 he can now be diagnosed with Autism and that is always was very likely he would start to show traits but I in my head can not accept this is the cause. I am pleased to say (not sure this is right) his Specialist Nursery have noticed a personality change, they say he is even more distant and only wants to be held not to play. It pleases me as I feel like I am not going mad and the only one that feels this way.

Lack of Eye Contact

But I don’t know what to do, I have at many times felt I have failed Grayson as a parent, every time he endures pain, every time he cries when unwell and I have no idea how to comfort him, but at those times I always knew he was happy even in his own world, now I am just not sure I can say that, your child being un-happy I think most parents will agree is a HUGE fail.

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InnocentCharmer

32yr old Mummy to 3. Our 4yo disabled son, 2yo strong willed minx and our recent addition our little piglet Deacon born 21st June 2013. Making our way through the every day, remembering to smile, as it's the 2nd best thing you can do with your mouth.
  • http://www.twopointfourchildren.co.uk twopointfourchildren

    Kara I so wish I was closer to you and could give you a hige hug. You have in no way failed Grayson, you are a fantastic mum who tried her best and does what she possibly can for her children.
    Grayson is such a beautiful little boy and as they cannot name or diagnoise what he was born with then the future is full of the unknown which is so hard for you to try to get your head around I am sure. I will keep everything crossed that Grayson starts to smile again for you soon xxx

  • http://wishfulwonderings.blogspot.com Cathy Glynn

    Kara, you are a wonderful mummy and Grayson is very lucky to have you! I think you cope tremendously well and nobody could look after him like you do. It must be so hard when you notice these changes in his behaviour but have faith in yourself that you are giving him all the love that he needs. Big hugs x x

  • http://thismummyloves.blogspot.com Sonia

    Right well you can just stop right there Missus! You have not or ever have failed Grayson! You adore him and he adores you! I am almost positive his heart is full of love and happiness but he cannot expressive it as we can! One day he’ll let you know!!! xxxx

  • http://Www.lexilil.wordpress.com Sally

    It’s easy to feel like we’re to blame for our kids problems, but we’re not, please don’t feel like that. It’s because you’re such a loving and attentive mum that you’re so aware of his changes, and so desperate to find a way to make him happy. (((hugs)))

  • Anne Hawkes

    I don’t think I can put anything different to what has already been said by other people who have commented, I think that sometimes parents go through something akin to a grieving process – they grieve for the child they did not have. Be kind to yourself, in your heart of hearts you know that you are not to blame and you are doing everything you can, you will get through this xx