Guilt

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2013

As I sat and spoke to Baby Sweetpea this morning, as I always do, I all of a sudden got hit right in the heart with Guilt and Worry.

As most of you know Grayson’s disabilities are genetic and run in my Genes, not Ashley’s as best they can tell. It is not likely they will ever diagnose Grayson’s condition as it’s so rare, so every time we have decided to have children there is a huge fear that this baby too will have problems.

This has been/is hard to deal with, but it’s a risk I thought was worth taking. I have tried to let my siblings realise this risk is also there for them, I pray for their sakes they never have children who are affected but it is my duty to help them.

To this end this is how my fear has always manifested, I always feel guilt when I look at Grayson, I can be told till I am blue in the face it’s not my fault and a little part of me knows that, but every time I see Grayson suffer that guilt is there, I think it always will be.

What never hit me, until this morning, was my Children’s children, will my Addison ever have children with disabilities, will the gene carry through, I know this is a silly question as of course the gene can carry, but will she go through all the pain, worry and heartache that I have ?

guilt

It’s wrong they are my babies, they should not have this burden, a burden I have given them, I am so angry.

The only thing that is keeping me sane and not ripping my heart apart is knowing that no matter what I will be there for my Children and their children if they choose to have them, I know Addison and I am sure Sweetpea will have an understanding, love and compassion for children with disabilities different to others and I can’t think of people who would deal with it better.

tenderness between siblings

I have learnt as hard as it is that you have to live for today and maybe tomorrow, it’s not always easy, but like my future that of all my children can not be determined or organised. I just have to hope and pray that their lives are perfect like they truly deserve.

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InnocentCharmer

32yr old Mummy to 3. Our 4yo disabled son, 2yo strong willed minx and our recent addition our little piglet Deacon born 21st June 2013. Making our way through the every day, remembering to smile, as it's the 2nd best thing you can do with your mouth.

Comments (4)

  • Lucy

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    Oh Kara, I can completely understand why you would carry around feelings like this. As much as you adore Grayson, it’s a difficult path for everyone and it’s natural that you wouldn’t want it for your own children when they choose to have babies. I wish I could give words of comfort, but I’m not sure what would help. But I do know that any child would be lucky to get to be a part of your family. x

    Reply

    • innocentcharmer

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      Thank you lovely, your words help very much so, it isn’t something I can change but you are right any child that entered our family would be loved xx

      Reply

  • Vikki Holness

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    Oh Kara, this post actually reduced me to tears :( You are such an inspirational mama and i wish i could offer you some words of comfort. Whatever happens in the future, i have no doubt that if Addison finds herself in a similar situation to you, she will possess just as much strength and courage to handle whatever life throws at her. With you as a role model and a rock by her side, she will be just as awesome at motherhood as you. xxxx

    Reply

  • catherine.doran

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    Kara, mummy guilt is so tough. I struggle sometimes with my decision to have children knowing that they will be exposed to a ‘sick’ mum no matter how hard I try to hide it from them. But they are loved so much and that’s what is important. I also think having a strong role model is important and that’s what you will be to your kids, as I hope to be to mine. Keep positive and stay strong, you are doing a great job so far from what I can tell xxx

    Reply

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