As I sat and spoke to Baby Sweetpea this morning, as I always do, I all of a sudden got hit right in the heart with Guilt and Worry.
As most of you know Grayson’s disabilities are genetic and run in my Genes, not Ashley’s as best they can tell. It is not likely they will ever diagnose Grayson’s condition as it’s so rare, so every time we have decided to have children there is a huge fear that this baby too will have problems.
This has been/is hard to deal with, but it’s a risk I thought was worth taking. I have tried to let my siblings realise this risk is also there for them, I pray for their sakes they never have children who are affected but it is my duty to help them.
To this end this is how my fear has always manifested, I always feel guilt when I look at Grayson, I can be told till I am blue in the face it’s not my fault and a little part of me knows that, but every time I see Grayson suffer that guilt is there, I think it always will be.
What never hit me, until this morning, was my Children’s children, will my Addison ever have children with disabilities, will the gene carry through, I know this is a silly question as of course the gene can carry, but will she go through all the pain, worry and heartache that I have ?
It’s wrong they are my babies, they should not have this burden, a burden I have given them, I am so angry.
The only thing that is keeping me sane and not ripping my heart apart is knowing that no matter what I will be there for my Children and their children if they choose to have them, I know Addison and I am sure Sweetpea will have an understanding, love and compassion for children with disabilities different to others and I can’t think of people who would deal with it better.
I have learnt as hard as it is that you have to live for today and maybe tomorrow, it’s not always easy, but like my future that of all my children can not be determined or organised. I just have to hope and pray that their lives are perfect like they truly deserve.