Your smile is the most precious, your heart beats so hard and I am glad that I get to experience it all.
My everyday with Grayson is similar to my everyday with my other babies, similar to yours I am sure – actually in some ways honestly it is easier, he never shouts back at me, never screams and cries, never whines about what I make him for Dinner.
Not everything about being a Mum to Grayson is a negative, it is hard to write that at times, especially these last few weeks when at 1.30am I am standing outside my front door chucking sick covered bedding in the wheelie bin and quietly sobbing in my dressing gown, I am not angry though, I am sad for my little boy, sad that he suffers when he really is the sweetest child on this planet – that is a serious statement but I fully believe it.
But with all the negativity that has come from having to be on a ventilator and severe epilepsy there have been positives that are just so outstanding.
My Superhero has finally seen me again, this must sound crazy, he is not blind, but when it came to me he just didn’t see me, I existed in terms of someone who changed his nappy or put Mickey Mouse on the TV but I hadn’t really seen his eyes in years or felt his touch in so long I had forgotten – but with all this pain he is changing, he sees me, he looks at me and smiles, the most amazing smile. He cuddles me, like actually nestles into my armpit and touches my hand, he allows me to hold his face, to kiss his lips. I don’t think words really can make you understand the importance of this. I feel like he knows I am his Mummy again, that I am there and he is willing to share his life with me.
Why am I telling you all this ? Well other than to be smug as it is my super proud Mummy moment, but it is cause Katie of Mummy, Daddy, Me got me thinking, she made a statement that her and Mr E did not feel they were old enough to have a kid of 4, not as an age thing but mentality wise and I totally got this. The Hubby and I did the same thing only a few weeks ago, we were both in our late twenties/early thirties when Grayson was born, it never crossed my mind that we were not mature enough, then life threw us a curve ball and Grayson and our lives became a whirlwind of hospital stays, loosing him and starting a new life. It wasn’t till this past year I realised what life had really given us, we hadn’t had time to stop and think and I can not believe that I have been trusted with my children’s care, to make them, to caress them into amazingly well-adjusted human beings, me someone who is always tittering with my mental health worries, me who is dealing with a child with such complex needs on hours sleep a night.
But one thing I am sure of, I am certainly not a great Mummy, I am by no means probably the best for my children, but what I am is so deeply in LOVE with all 3 of my babies and I do know that no matter what happens I will forever be by all my kids sides but my Superhero I will forever help you put on that cape!
If you are interested in my life as a Mummy to Grayson and have ever wanted to ask a Question but been unsure, please do that below as I am starting a series of Q&A VLOGS on how Grayson and I work together.