Dear Grayson….a true superhero!

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2014, grayson

To my big little boy, my superstar, my superhero, the most amazing boy on the face of this planet.

It has been a long time since I wrote to you, a very long time since I have written of you and your updates properly on the blog.

Don’t ever think for a second it is cause I am not proud of you, or no longer want to share your story. It is cause I have as your Mummy been fighting with many demons, ones I am struggling to resolve. My strength for you has been hard to keep constant. I feel like a failure to you my baby. I am your Mummy and I was given the task to keep you happy, to protect you, guide you, make life amazing. I feel I am not achieving that. I want to push that magic button. I need to. I 5 years on seem to be grieving more than I did 4 years ago when we realised your life would not be so smooth sailing.

swan child

Dealing with the knowledge that it is solely due to me you are this way haunts me daily, seeing you struggle in pain, listening to your breaths stop at night, never knowing what the next day shall hold for you and it is my fault.

But beside all that the love, compassion and above all else PRIDE I feel to be your Mummy, to have you as my son is what spears me on. You never complain. Seriously, what type of person doesn’t complain at being dealt such a hand – a genuine SUPERHERO that is who.

These past months have been hard and awesome all at the same time. You nearly left us on your birthday, you as always said “NO WAY” to those doctors. You told them they have no clue, you are a miracle and came out the other side even stronger. Learning to walk when we were 95% told medically you in no way ever could! You are now known as the self healing child, my miracle. Your walking journey has a long way to go, you may never manage without aid fully, but you will walk me down that aisle in November and I shall sob.

Miracle number 2 – we found out you have a serious, rare type of apnea and on a good night you stop breathing up to 200 times a night! I can not believe you are still here, I knew in my heart but so glad they finally see it. You still get up each day and perform miracles, learning to chew food, to walk in school, to tolerate crowds at school to leave the house and not meltdown, to look me in the eye (if only for a minute) to hold my hand.
But with all this comes worry and one of the most fearful reactions by doctors Mummy has ever to deal with. I have not slept since our meetings on Thursday. I am your Mummy you are not allowed to see my fear, but I have more than I know to handle for you my baby.
I am sure we can find a way. Promise Mummy like always before you will fight, promise me you will prove the doctors and even me wrong, there is never a time I needed you to more. Cause the alternative is not acceptable and does not bare thinking of.

Thank you Grayson, I daily feel anger for you, not towards you (well apart from your naughty willy touching) but because you deserve to be feeling the wind in your hair as you run, to sneak sweets when I am not looking, to play with toys and smile. But you don’t complain, you enjoy your world (I hope), you have touched more hearts than anyone I know, you make people look at the world differently. You have made me. The good and the ugly.

Grayson

I love you, there are no words that explain how I feel, I love you is not enough. We shall fight these new very tough challenges and if that worst case has to happen we will say F**K you and make it! Because you are a star living on earth!!!!

**please if you feel in anyway I am asking for pity in this post, or do not like the honesty about living a life with my son move on and don’t comment, this post is not for you. It is for me, it is for my son and for the many people I am thankful I have to support me. Life is not a bed of roses, it is bloody difficult. But I love my son no matter what. Would I want him normal – hell yeah, but I would never not want him here.

Flashback Friday – My Superstar Grayson

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2013, grayson

mummy mishaps

 

It’s been a while since I have joined in with Jenny from Mummy Mishaps Flashback Friday linky, I love doing it as, looking back at old pics is so much fun.

I usually try to tie my Flashback in with what is happening in my life at present, but other than being manic and no time we aren’t doing anything fun. So what to share.

Then it hit me, Grayson is all over the web right now (lucky he is so darn cute), why ? Due to Raising For Grayson and an amazing group of friends that are helping to get him equipment he really needs.

So I thought back to when we really didn’t know anything was majorly wrong with Grayson, it was early on, other than feeding issues no one believed me those first few months that there was something quite not right, but when Grayson was 14 weeks old he stopped breathing and our lives changed, it’s scary to think that is the same age Deacon is today, how up to that point he was “normal”.

So today I am sharing pictures of my superstar just before his 1st major episode, the week following this Grayson and I lived in hospital in and out (but mainly in) for 3 months, but no matter what this little boy has opened my heart to so much and I am thankful that everyday my miracle baby is here to share them with me.

grayson 13 weeks grayson at 13 weeks

Doesn’t he look like Deacon?

Grayson Is Showing How Much He Loves Team Raising For Grayson

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2013, grayson

Did I think this day would happen ?

No Way.

Did I think I would be uploading this video 2 days ago ?

No way.

2 Days ago Grayson could not even manage step one, a month ago Grayson’s Paed asked us to let him try to climb the stairs as it is easier than walking. I was terrified but agreed and I am very pleased I did.

As this happened today – at 4 years and 8 months my little superstar, the most amazing child I know, completed climbing his Mount Snowdon.

Team Raising For Grayson this is for you, to say thank you, to Aunty Sonia this is for you too, as without his trike I do not believe we ever would have made this day.

To Ashley this is because of you, for being the most amazing Dad Grayson could ever ask for, for constant positivity and helping our little boy.

Last but by no means least, to Grayson, you are the most inspirational boy in the world, you truly amaze Mummy each day.

Trendy Tuesday – A Trip To The Park

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2013, addison, grayson

Badge for TTT, Badge

Going to the park is definitely Addison’s favourite thing to do and thankfully even Grayson enjoys a quick go on the swings, the closest park to us is a 5 minute drive away but it is just by my Dad and Stepmums house and usually quiet so we head there about once a month and the grandparents come down and meet us.

Grayson likes that he gets to practice his walking too and this particular day he even let Addy play with him.

As it is near my parents I always like to dress the kids a little nicer than just play clothes as they will take a ton of pictures to put up on their walls, so I have to find a nice medium between comfortable to play in but looking cute, I think I achieved it with both kids this week.

KIDS_ON_SWINGS

Yes I did put them in matching shoes!!!

addison_trendy_tuesday_outfit

Addison Wears

Hair Flower – Zuzii at Etsy

Top – Nutmeg at Kiddicare

Leggings – Part of a Set from Asda

Trainers – Primark

toddler_fashion

Aren’t the Ruffles cute?

Grayson_trendy_tuesday

Grayson Wears

Digger Hat – 2 Piece from Next

Tee – Next

Skinny Jeans – Primark

Trainers – Primark

GRAY_ON_SWING

Personally I think he can wear any colour.

Don’t forget to head over and see the other Trendy Toddlers this week.

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