Some of you will know that I have struggled the past few months to deal with Grayson’s major personality changes, I am not ashamed to say I have cried most nights (and even some days), it has caused rows with myself and Mr Innocent Charmer, it has caused me to go within myself and to be very self loathing.
Grayson was always no matter his huge amount of problems and trials an incredibly Happy little boy, people would comment everyday that they had never seen such a smiley happy child, we would be stopped in the street, he made the most immense eye contact you have seen and from a very young age knew how to make you feel the most special person in the room.
They thought Grayson was one of the very few special needs children with severe Brain damage that would not suffer with Autism, all for these reasons, then it all changed. I can’t say a certain date, but it started around 10 months ago, the boy who would always smile and giggle, who would play with toys in his own little way slipped away, at first it was gradual but very quickly my Mr Happy become introvert, we lost eye contact, smiles, and then the playing with toys all but disappeared.
So I can not describe the feeling I have had this past month to start seeing a glimmer of my son returning, the smiles are back, it’s amazing, as quickly as they disappeared they one day reappeared, as has minimal eye contact.
My Step Mum babysat Grayson last week and commented on how un-nerved she felt when through a whole meal of feeding Grayson he made solid eye contact and chatted (in his way), so much so she rung me in tears, you see this hasn’t just affected Ashley and I but our family as a whole.
Having a disabled child most days for me just feels like everyday, I know NO different, I had never had a child before Grayson so in a way this is our normal, but I can’t lie having no contact with your child and not knowing what is happening in his head is isolating and upsetting, so to feel a glimpse of my Mr Happy back in my life has allowed me to cry some more, but not just tears of fear (as he may retract back) but of happiness and relief that I feel Grayson is smiling again on the inside and out.
I just pray that he isn’t taken back off of us as quick as he has returned.