I Just Have To Get It Off My Chest

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2012, family, grayson, Special needs

This is Grayson less than 7 months ago, my little boy no matter what was thrown his way always had a beautiful smile, would always make eye contact, he was never a big one for physical contact but you always got stunning pictures like these.

Then everything changed, I didn’t notice straight away, Addison had not long been born so I was tired but that is no excuse, I should have noticed Grayson was changing, I should have noticed he was un-happy, I failed him as his Mummy, over the past 5 months Grayson has become more and more distant, he refuses to make eye contact, he wont play with toys, he seems down all the time, the only change I can see in his life are his seizures. The hospital believes these seizures aren’t affecting his brain, they are a cause of brain damage already present but I am scared, I can’t see any other cause for his changes. I know at 3 he can now be diagnosed with Autism and that is always was very likely he would start to show traits but I in my head can not accept this is the cause. I am pleased to say (not sure this is right) his Specialist Nursery have noticed a personality change, they say he is even more distant and only wants to be held not to play. It pleases me as I feel like I am not going mad and the only one that feels this way.

Lack of Eye Contact

But I don’t know what to do, I have at many times felt I have failed Grayson as a parent, every time he endures pain, every time he cries when unwell and I have no idea how to comfort him, but at those times I always knew he was happy even in his own world, now I am just not sure I can say that, your child being un-happy I think most parents will agree is a HUGE fail.

Life’s Plan????

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2012, disabled, global developmental delay, grayson, Special needs

I have not been a very cheerful blogger of late have I ? This post maybe a sad post to many too but I need to release.

Last night I cried and sobbed hard for over 20 minutes, silently into my pillow, I am all for crying, I believe it allows you to feel better and sometimes move on, but I hate it when I cry for this reason.

Grayson has been poorly with a stomach bug since Friday Night, whenever he gets poorly all Grayson wants is his Mama and to hibernate, Grayson’s brain hibernates to help cure him, it has done that since he was 13 weeks in my belly, it’s amazing.

I lay in bed last night with Grayson laying next to me, wailing in his sleep, I assume as he is in pain, but my poor little mite can’t tell me why. I picked him up and cuddled him tight and stroked his head back to sleep, I did this for over an hour before he finally stopped and started snoring. I don’t mind this at all, I like being his Mummy for the good days and the sickly days, but as a Mama to a disabled son we build a barrier in our heads to only live in the present, or maybe a month in advance, you see I don’t know what our lives hold, whether Grayson will ever be able to walk or talk (looking increasingly unlikely), unlike for my dreams for Addison which focus on her running, going to school, first boyfriends and even future Grandchildren, these are not my dreams for Grayson, my dream is he has a healthy life and hopefully just if I had one wish he can communicate with me.

So for the sobbing, as I lay with him in my arms, I thought for how long will I be able to physically do this, I mean when he is 18 and a growing man how will I comfort him, he may still be mentally a child as he is now, but he will weigh as much as me, how will I cuddle him and clean him when he is sick on himself and what if something happens to me, there is NOONE in the world that I trust could look after my son, logistically and emotionally, no one other than Ash and I understand Grayson’s little ticks, his cries.

So I stupidly allowed Grayson and my future to come into my thoughts, I cried until I could cry no more, there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, there is nothing my Mum/Dad could say like when I was little, this wont be better in the morning, but it will stop and I will go back to living in the present, until the next thing creeps up and reminds me our lives will always be different.

>366 – Day 41

Written by InnocentCharmer. Posted in 2012, 366, autism, boy, disabled, Eyes, grayson, instagram, mickey mouse, son, Special needs, therapy

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We have been working very hard to get Grayson to make eye contact. It has been a long road with therapy sessions and us at home. So you can imagine how happy I was this morning when this picture happened.
I love my miracle.

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