I have not been a very cheerful blogger of late have I ? This post maybe a sad post to many too but I need to release.
Last night I cried and sobbed hard for over 20 minutes, silently into my pillow, I am all for crying, I believe it allows you to feel better and sometimes move on, but I hate it when I cry for this reason.
Grayson has been poorly with a stomach bug since Friday Night, whenever he gets poorly all Grayson wants is his Mama and to hibernate, Grayson’s brain hibernates to help cure him, it has done that since he was 13 weeks in my belly, it’s amazing.
I lay in bed last night with Grayson laying next to me, wailing in his sleep, I assume as he is in pain, but my poor little mite can’t tell me why. I picked him up and cuddled him tight and stroked his head back to sleep, I did this for over an hour before he finally stopped and started snoring. I don’t mind this at all, I like being his Mummy for the good days and the sickly days, but as a Mama to a disabled son we build a barrier in our heads to only live in the present, or maybe a month in advance, you see I don’t know what our lives hold, whether Grayson will ever be able to walk or talk (looking increasingly unlikely), unlike for my dreams for Addison which focus on her running, going to school, first boyfriends and even future Grandchildren, these are not my dreams for Grayson, my dream is he has a healthy life and hopefully just if I had one wish he can communicate with me.
So for the sobbing, as I lay with him in my arms, I thought for how long will I be able to physically do this, I mean when he is 18 and a growing man how will I comfort him, he may still be mentally a child as he is now, but he will weigh as much as me, how will I cuddle him and clean him when he is sick on himself and what if something happens to me, there is NOONE in the world that I trust could look after my son, logistically and emotionally, no one other than Ash and I understand Grayson’s little ticks, his cries.
So I stupidly allowed Grayson and my future to come into my thoughts, I cried until I could cry no more, there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, there is nothing my Mum/Dad could say like when I was little, this wont be better in the morning, but it will stop and I will go back to living in the present, until the next thing creeps up and reminds me our lives will always be different.