Raising a Superhero | Feeling Numb


**Written 18.25pm Sunday 5th July***

1 week ago to the minute I was sitting waiting for an old couple to leave their parking space. They were taking forever but I wasn’t hysterical. I generally believed when Grayson was taken in the ambulance with Ashley an hour before it would purely be for monitoring.

I can’t believe how wrong I was.

As we sat waiting for Paeds to come from the ward I was reminded of the last time we had been in that hospital. A hospital that had failed my son over 5 years before, we joked of the fact that nothing had changed. The peeling wall stickers were the same, the toys barely updated, we people watched as I stroked Grayson’s tired head. If only we had realised what was really happening.

The past 7 days have not felt real, I feel like I have lived in this alternate reality. Till today. Today it is hitting home, today I feel sick to my stomach with so many emotions, so much guilt, anger, thankfulness and love.

My heart rate all day has been elevated. I dread to think of my BP. I had to leave the house today just to stop myself having a breakdown.

A week ago my son was laying in A&E. 4 hours from now we are told he has a bleed on the brain, 6 hours later he is intubated, 7 hours he is put in an ambulance without either of his parents (this has never happened before), 8 hours from now I see him wheeled into Kings, sedated, out of my control, 8 hours and 5 minutes from now I am told that my son is having “life saving brain surgery” and “we are not sure he will make it”.

I am numb, I sit in a corridor planning how I will tell my other children their brother has gone, I don’t believe in Heaven but think what will I tell a 2 and 4-year-old. I think how will I ring and tell his grandparents who are laying awake 2 hours away that their Grandson will never come home. I think to planning a funeral, living a life without him. It was the longest 4 hours of my life. Sitting in that hot sticky corridor. Knowing nothing, I watched the sunrise and realised it was red, the old wives tale my Nana would sing “red sky in the morning shepherds warning” playing over and over.

I would fall asleep and then run to the toilet and cry with guilt that I slept as my son was in an operation.

special needs

I am still numb, I feel sick being back in our house, I feel helpless.

Grayson is home, by some miracle my superhero did what no one thought possible, he fought again, he used another life, I have no idea how many he has but he has used so many. He is now giggling to Mickey Mouse, trying to walk around like nothing has happened. I am so frightened. I want to seriously wrap him in cotton wall. I barely slept last night, watching him over and over. Worried.

I am not sure how I will go back to feeling normal again ? How will I move on ? How will I stop feeling angry ? There are so many questions, so much uncertainty.

We were in a good place, we were embracing happy as a family, we were having adventures, living life, we were excited for what we could achieve. I need to find a way back.

About Innocent Charms Chats

Kara Janelle, Plus Size Blogging Mama. Vintage Lover, Interiors Obsessed, Chair Crazed, Collector of Much remembering to Smile as it is the 2nd best thing you can do with your mouth.