Most weeks Katie’s linky The Ordinary Moments, remind me to look at the good every day times in our weeks and I am eternally grateful to her for that, but the one I come to you with today is difficult, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t share, in fact this wasn’t my Ordinary Moment I was going to share, but the last 10 minutes meant I felt I needed to get this out for my sanity and for me to look back on and I pray that the future is brighter.
Every so often having a child like Grayson hits me, sounds daft huh, but by the most part Grayson is my 1st child and him being the way he is, is just Normal to me, I don’t know him any different. But at other times and they seem to be more lately, in literally a split second I am hit with a freight train.
Today I looked at Grayson by our sofa, not happy but not sad and I just turned to Ashley and said “I wonder what Grayson would be doing right now if he had been born ok?”
Would he be playing with toys, reading a book or playing on the iPad ? What toys would he like ? Would he be a cheeky monkey or a sweet gentle soul ? These questions all spoke within a minute, I reeled them off to my husband knowing he can’t answer, knowing that it is killing him inside as much as it is me, but knowing he is the only other person in the world that knows how I am feeling in this moment.
I sob, right there and then, I try not to in front of the kids, we have no idea how much any of them truly understand and it is something I won’t have the chance to do for much longer without upsetting one of them, but sometimes I can’t stop it.
My last statement to my Husband in this 5 minutes of an Ordinary Moment “I just want to hear his voice, I want to hear him say one word, that’s all just one, it could even be shit or fuck, I don’t care” I look at my husband and I plead to whoever has the power, please let me have that moment.
I hope one day Grayson can read this, I hope I can read this and I have heard that word. But for today my crying is done and now I can enjoy my little boy for who he is as his smile can warm the coldest heart.